Things that have changed from my perception since diagnosis:
- Support
- Achievement
- The concept of time
- Success
- Life's "big picture"
- Science
- Survival
- Death
- Who I am
- What my life will be like
- The future
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
When You Least Expect
I'm not the most selfless person - I frequently get overwhelmed with life and thoughts (even pre-diagnosis) and as a result, I'm not the most thoughtful person either. I get distracted.
A byproduct of a cancer diagnosis is suddenly having to deal with all the communication surrounding the patient (me). People say that when times get rough, you see who your real friends are. I'm not experiencing that type of distinction. Right now, my times are tough - really tough, and instead, I'm getting to see how amazing my friends, colleagues, and family are.
Not to brag - but I just can't let amazing deeds go unpunished, so here goes: a handful of my coworkers (whom I'd told first) got together and bought me a ridiculously expensive blender. The type of blender that one lusts after, but cannot justify the cost of. The gesture was truly staggering. Friends that I have known for less than a year stepping up to help me feel better. I always considered them real friends - no confusion there. This experience has given me an real opportunity to reflect and appreciate how great the people in my life are. Cards, flowers, emails, texts, offers to help (which I take seriously - I will call you)...none expected - and none unappreciated.
Thank you all.
A byproduct of a cancer diagnosis is suddenly having to deal with all the communication surrounding the patient (me). People say that when times get rough, you see who your real friends are. I'm not experiencing that type of distinction. Right now, my times are tough - really tough, and instead, I'm getting to see how amazing my friends, colleagues, and family are.
Not to brag - but I just can't let amazing deeds go unpunished, so here goes: a handful of my coworkers (whom I'd told first) got together and bought me a ridiculously expensive blender. The type of blender that one lusts after, but cannot justify the cost of. The gesture was truly staggering. Friends that I have known for less than a year stepping up to help me feel better. I always considered them real friends - no confusion there. This experience has given me an real opportunity to reflect and appreciate how great the people in my life are. Cards, flowers, emails, texts, offers to help (which I take seriously - I will call you)...none expected - and none unappreciated.
Thank you all.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Calling Off the Goalie
I have a really darling friend who refers to going off birth control as "calling off the goalie". Very clever.
As of last Thursday, I have "called off the goalie".
If you had told me six months ago that in October, I went off birth control, my excitement would have been hard to contain. My husband and I have been waiting for the "right time" to start trying. Lots of talk about my working, our finances, raising children, schools, those hilarious arguments about which of us will successfully be the disciplinarian.
"Let's do this the right way...make sure we're ready...bring a baby into the ideal environment."
Instead, it's October 2013. I'm 28 years old. I just finished grad school. And I have breast cancer.
I'm off birth control to limit the hormones in my body. Biological children may be off the table forever. I'm currently experiencing the worst period I've had in about 9 years. Gather 'round everyone: behold this face of bitterness.
As of last Thursday, I have "called off the goalie".
If you had told me six months ago that in October, I went off birth control, my excitement would have been hard to contain. My husband and I have been waiting for the "right time" to start trying. Lots of talk about my working, our finances, raising children, schools, those hilarious arguments about which of us will successfully be the disciplinarian.
"Let's do this the right way...make sure we're ready...bring a baby into the ideal environment."
Instead, it's October 2013. I'm 28 years old. I just finished grad school. And I have breast cancer.
I'm off birth control to limit the hormones in my body. Biological children may be off the table forever. I'm currently experiencing the worst period I've had in about 9 years. Gather 'round everyone: behold this face of bitterness.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Scare Tactics
One of the worst things about breast cancer (so far......) is how scary every. single. thing. is.
Food, drinks, work, stress, treatment, and just about anything - scary. I started googling causes of breast cancer, I can't help but think of all the things I did wrong in my life to this date that must have caused this. I drank too much wine, I ate too much meat, there was the time when I decided to be a casual cigarette smoker for a year, I ate too much bacon, I ate Lunchables Pizza a lot.....
Our medical center is amazing, God bless them. My primary care physician (PCP) called me to check in on me and ask if I needed a referral for a surgeon or an oncologist. Our nurse navigator had already helped me get the earliest appointment possible for a surgeon, but I do need an oncologist. I asked about a woman oncologist I found via Google. Ha! I have an appointment for next Tuesday. Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon - he will have my MRI results. We will find out if the cancer is anywhere beyond my left breast and lymph node area. Hopefully, we'll find out what stage I'm in. It's not stage I.
People keep telling us to get a second opinion. I don't yet understand the reason. I have cancer - that doesn't seem to need confirmation. I suppose it's for treatment options.
Today, the ultimate scary idea occurred to me: I may never be able to have biological children. If I have to do chemotherapy, my fertility may never return. I can't reconcile not giving my husband children of his own. Will he be able to reconcile this?
Food, drinks, work, stress, treatment, and just about anything - scary. I started googling causes of breast cancer, I can't help but think of all the things I did wrong in my life to this date that must have caused this. I drank too much wine, I ate too much meat, there was the time when I decided to be a casual cigarette smoker for a year, I ate too much bacon, I ate Lunchables Pizza a lot.....
Our medical center is amazing, God bless them. My primary care physician (PCP) called me to check in on me and ask if I needed a referral for a surgeon or an oncologist. Our nurse navigator had already helped me get the earliest appointment possible for a surgeon, but I do need an oncologist. I asked about a woman oncologist I found via Google. Ha! I have an appointment for next Tuesday. Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon - he will have my MRI results. We will find out if the cancer is anywhere beyond my left breast and lymph node area. Hopefully, we'll find out what stage I'm in. It's not stage I.
People keep telling us to get a second opinion. I don't yet understand the reason. I have cancer - that doesn't seem to need confirmation. I suppose it's for treatment options.
Today, the ultimate scary idea occurred to me: I may never be able to have biological children. If I have to do chemotherapy, my fertility may never return. I can't reconcile not giving my husband children of his own. Will he be able to reconcile this?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The First Day of October
This morning my husband and I went to the doctor to results from a breast biopsy I had last Friday. When I felt the lump, I was completely unimpressed. Under 30 years of age and no history of breast cancer - what I am worried about? Worst case scenario - it's a cyst and I have surgery.
When the doctor came into the room with the nurse, I was still stupidly unaffected. Imagine my surprise when I was handed the pathology results, clearly showing that I have cancer.
"How bad is it?" I asked shakily.
"Pretty bad..." says the doctor.
It's not that my world stopped - it shattered. Very quickly I find out that the tumor is too large for a lumpectomy. A mastectomy is probably my only option.
I opted to go to work, where I was wildly emotional, though not entirely unproductive. Thanks to a very assertive nurse navigator at the Women's Wellness Center, I get a phone call within an hour asking me if I can come in today for an MRI. I say yes. I am injected with dye and lay face down in the machine for an hour. I go home to my husband, we get In N Out, we go home, we eat.
When the doctor came into the room with the nurse, I was still stupidly unaffected. Imagine my surprise when I was handed the pathology results, clearly showing that I have cancer.
"How bad is it?" I asked shakily.
"Pretty bad..." says the doctor.
It's not that my world stopped - it shattered. Very quickly I find out that the tumor is too large for a lumpectomy. A mastectomy is probably my only option.
I opted to go to work, where I was wildly emotional, though not entirely unproductive. Thanks to a very assertive nurse navigator at the Women's Wellness Center, I get a phone call within an hour asking me if I can come in today for an MRI. I say yes. I am injected with dye and lay face down in the machine for an hour. I go home to my husband, we get In N Out, we go home, we eat.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Let's Just Pretend...
...like I haven't been gone for FOREVER! Things are different now!
1. I became a Zumba instructor, and it's awesome!
2. I finished my B.A. and started my M.A.
3. I got married!
What?
I know right?
1. I became a Zumba instructor, and it's awesome!
2. I finished my B.A. and started my M.A.
3. I got married!
What?
I know right?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Fab Fridays!
So...Fridays have been really awesome for me lately! Two Fridays ago, I ran 6 miles! In a row! Crazy right? Maybe not for some people, but seriously, when I was a kid, I never ran even one mile straight. When we did fitness tests, I would walk/jog out of pure laziness. I've really taken to running lately, which is awesome!
This past Friday's fabulosity included another 6 mile run. That, by itself, is awesome, but I was also able to shorten my overall run time by 3 minutes. This is all, btw, on a treadmill...so yeah, I know, it will be harder outdoors. The furthest distance I've run outdoors is just under 5 miles. Did those in just under 50 minutes with mah man.
Fab Friday part dos included this:
This past Friday's fabulosity included another 6 mile run. That, by itself, is awesome, but I was also able to shorten my overall run time by 3 minutes. This is all, btw, on a treadmill...so yeah, I know, it will be harder outdoors. The furthest distance I've run outdoors is just under 5 miles. Did those in just under 50 minutes with mah man.
Fab Friday part dos included this:
Mmmmm....mysterious!
What's inside? We'll just have to wait and see!
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